What's the deal with manifestation?

I'm 33 years old, someone tells me I can get anything I want just by making a poster. A POSTER! What am I, running for school pupil leader? "Vote Preethi for Mercedes!"

So I'm sitting there with magazines, scissors, glue stick because I want to make a physical poster - I'm like a kindergartener planning a hostile takeover - I'm cutting out pictures of stone mansions thinking, "This'll show the universe I mean business."

And what do I put on there? A Mercedes, six-pack abs, a respectful partner... and a Google Storage subscription. GOOGLE STORAGE! I'm manifesting cloud space because it's getting expensive by the day! The universe is out there going, "She wants infinite cosmic abundance... and 100 gigabytes for $1.99 a month."

But here's what kills me - nobody will tell you what they're manifesting. It's like some sort of cosmic non-disclosure agreement. I ask my friend Renu, "What's on your vision board?" She looks around like the CBI is listening. "I can't tell you. What if there's only one left?"

One what left? What are you manifesting, the last unicorn?

And this friend - same friend - tells me manifestation is garbage after a couple of months. Then pulls out rosary beads and prays to God to grant her wishes! Every day!

Meanwhile, I'm waiting for my stuff to show up like I ordered it from Amazon Prime. One month, three months, six months... Where's my tracking number? When do I call customer service? "Hi, Universe. Yeah, I'm still waiting on my stone palace. Can you check the warehouse?"

But I have this friend, let's call him Raj. Raj doesn't manifest. Raj doesn't pray. Raj doesn't make vision boards. You know what Raj does? He works and he saves and invests. He has a good job. And he's got the actual Mercedes sitting in his driveway while I've got the magazine cutout on my refrigerator.

I'm explaining to him about quantum leaps and vibrational frequencies while he's playing video games. I'm talking about aligning with cosmic energy and he's like, "Can you move? You're blocking Mario."

The man is living his best life and he doesn't even know about chakras!

But then - miracle of miracles - one manifestation of mine comes true. "Fun family dinner." We're all sitting there, everyone's happy, passing food around. I'm thinking, "I am a master of the universe! I should charge for the manifestation skill I possess!"

Right then my father loses his mind because someone put back an empty pickle jar. An empty pickle jar!! The man goes from zero to nuclear meltdown over pickles!

The whole table goes quiet. My mother's apologising to the rice. My sister's texting her therapist. And I am trying to not directly look at my dad.

Where's that on the vision board? Where's the magazine cutout that says "Dad Has Proportionate Emotional Responses to Pickle Availability"?

So now I'm back to crafting. I'm adding amendments to the list. "Dad doesn't lose it over pickles." And may be "World peace?"

You know what I realised? Manifestation is just expensive arts and crafts for adults who refuse to admit they're just making a wish list. We're all sitting around with glue sticks and Pinterest going, "This time it'll work! This time the universe will take my collage seriously!"

But hey, at least my refrigerator looks fantastic with the cutouts.